Our Butterfly

We have started visits with our butterfly and they are going very well. She had her first weekend visit this weekend. Oh, how I loved having her back in our home. I did not realize how much I missed her big smile, sweet cuddles, and contagious laugh. We had a wonderful time playing, watching movies, enjoying nature, and cooking together. Although all of those things were wonderful, the biggest blessing was when I saw her fall into the arms of Jesus.

I have prayed that she will grow closer to God and open her heart to His love first and foremost. This weekend we had an amazing discussion on the importance of prayer and reading God's word. She asked to make her own prayer journal and was eager to start the devotional book I had ordered for her.

While at church on Sunday, she asked to go and pray. I was overwhelmed by her desire to leave her worries at the feet of Jesus. She cried for the first time all weekend after that prayer and later she said, "Mommy, that prayer helped me." Be still my heart. God is at work in my baby girl's life. What a miracle it was to see her realize that God grants us peace in the midst of chaos.

Please be praying for our family as we continue visits and hopefully bring our baby girl home.

 

Overwhelming Peace and Joy

Hello all,

I have been on a bit of a blogging hiatus lately. It has been hard to put our struggles into words as we have been grieving the loss of our beautiful butterfly. She moved to a new placement in October. We, along with several professionals, have been advocating for her return. I have been going to battle in prayer, trusting that God has a plan for our family. It has been an amazing journey seeing the many miracles He has already created in our lives. The peace that I feel when I read His word and sit in his presence has been nothing other than a blessing from God.

Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Psalm 34:8 "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Romans 8:28 "For we know that in all things God works for the good for those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Although, life has been an emotional roller coaster lately, we have much to be thankful for. The adoption process for our little man and peanut has been moving along. We are hoping that they will be adopted by the end of 2017! We have been granted visits with our butterfly and cannot wait to see her sweet face.

Our little man has been progressing in all areas. Within in the next two months, it is foreseen that he will no longer need a few of his therapies due to the fact that he is flying through his goals! We are very proud. He is beginning to trust us more and has given us the gift of comforting him in his times of grief. Nothing is better than rocking my baby boy to sleep. He is so precious.

Our peanut is progressing in several areas as well. She will also be graduating from one of her therapies this month! She, too, has been trusting us more and talks with us openly about her feelings. I love our little talks as she lays in my arms. She is the sweetest.

We had a wonderful Christmas filled with joy. I loved seeing our littles faces as they saw that Santa remembered them two years in a row! :) It has been an even greater joy to see their faith grow and their focus shift to Jesus and his sacrifices for us. I feel extremely blessed to be their momma.







 

James 1:27

This verse has been in the forefront of my mind for weeks now as we have been battling ongoing challenges with our little ones. James 1:27 states, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

I never quite knew what it meant to look after an orphan in their distress until now. It is more than difficult and the feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming. Children from hard places come from a past that looks more like a nightmare than real life. To battle through the terrors of the past is an uphill battle and may demonstrate feelings of rage, anxiety, sadness, and complete disappointment.

It requires an ability to look at a child with empathetic eyes in the worst of times, giving grace countless times, and maintaining connection despite a constant sense of disconnect. I have cried buckets of tears as I have prayed for my children numerous times thanking God that with Him there is hope amongst all the terror in my children's hearts.

When I feel like I am running out of grace to give, I think of our Savior and the example He sets for us. I am immediately brought to my knees asking for forgiveness and strength to carry on. My children need grace and I am called to be that source of unconditional love for them. I have messed up numerous times throughout this journey and I am brought to tears knowing that God has given me grace through it all. I am humbled knowing that I could not go through this journey without my loving Savior. He is my strength, hope, and source of peace in the midst of the constant chaos.

What an amazing God we serve.

Please take a moment today to pray for all of the orphans and widows in distress in our world.



 

Adoption is Bittersweet

Many people see adoption posts, read adoption blogs, and watch adoption videos and only see the joy. There is an overwhelming sense of joy, but there is also an overwhelming sense of loss. Many people do not understand why we have not filed yet and looked puzzled when we explain that the kids are not ready. My kids hearts are shattered by abandonment and loss. In our children's eyes when they are adopted, they are turning their back on their birth mom and replacing her with me. The weight is so heavy it's hard to explain the impact it has on our children.


The women who rocked them to sleep (even if it was only one time), taught them their first word, sang lullabies, washed their little toes, and made them food to fill their bellies no longer has a part in their lives and likely never will in the way a mother does. My children see adoption as giving up on the chance to ever live with and be cared for by their mama again. Even though, their mother did a lot of things that we cannot wrap our heads around, she's still their mama. She created them, gave them life, and took care of them the best way she knew how. They will forever wish for her embrace and love. They will forever miss her voice, her smile, and her arms wrapped around them.


Then somewhere in this picture of loss, a new family is created, our family. There are days my children feel warmth in my embrace, melt to my lullabies, and follow me around like little ducklings. Oh, how I feel their love for me in their heart and melt into a little puddle of mush, but deep down I know I will never be their only mother or be able to completely fill the deep hole in their heart. This for me is heartbreaking. I want my children's heart to be leaping for joy in every aspect, but due to their past their is a lingering ache. An ache that cannot be filled by anyone, but their heavenly father.


I pray each day that my children will reach a place of peace that will only be explained by the power of the holy spirit within them. I am already starting to slowly see my children transition to this place and I cannot wait to see the work of God in their lives in the coming days, months, and years.

Relationship Worries

When children come from hard places, relationships are confusing and at times scary. Often times, traumatized children develop a disorganized attachment style, which means that something scary was going on in the home with a caregiver that was supposed to be the source of comfort. This causes a child to become a "push-puller" when it comes to relationships, which basically means one minute they want to be close and the next minute they will do everything possible to push away.


Parenting a child with this type of attachment style is confusing and very difficult. It is hard to know when to comfort and when to give space. Honestly, the child is even unsure of what is needed/wanted. One of our children, does the push-pull often. This child may run up stairs excited to do an activity and then start throwing a tantrum three minutes into the activity. I have found this to be frustrating to say the least, but I have found hope in knowing why this occurs.


From what I understand, anytime my child feels loved in our relationship, fear surfaces. These fears usually have something to do with me leaving forever and the happiness ending or my love running out. My child has learned that people leave, both the good people and the bad people. Therefore, when something good happens, my child is afraid to enjoy it, because it might end AT ANY SECOND. I know, scary right! I cannot blame this child for feeling this way. Every caregiver has left with no return. This means not only physical existence ends, but loves ends too. Therefore, to this child, my love is like a pie. It leaves piece by piece and one day, it will be gone. Therefore, this child feels that anytime without me is wasting my love away on something else and making the love to run out faster.


I know your probably wondering how to help a child overcome this. EMPATHY. EMPATHY. EMPATHY. Reassurance does not work. The thoughts are so big you cannot reassure them away. The best thing to do is show a child from a hard place that you do understand and you know their hurting and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.


If you have access to one, it is also a good idea to find an attachment therapist to help you and the child cope and bond. It's a rough road, but I am confident that seeing my child overcome will be one of the most amazing sights I will ever see.

Oh Happy Day!

I have been challenged to share a day in our life with you. I chose a weekend day, because they're more exciting. I honestly forgot to take pictures throughout the day on Saturday..fail. Sunday came and I followed my little ones around the house snapping pictures all day. Yes, they were super suspicious of me and started asking questions after a while. Maybe, I should start taking "life" pictures on a more regular basis!

One of the littles woke up at the crack of dawn and crawled in bed with momma. We were able to enjoy some sweet cuddles before the other two woke up. I love those times. Once everyone woke up I started cooking and the kiddos colored some beautiful pictures.

For breakfast we had some delicious, chocolate chip pancakes! I think the kids thought mommy had gone crazy. They told many at church with their eyes open wide that mommy let them eat chocolate for breakfast. Let's just say we focus on eating lots of fruits and veggies most of the time, but I thought they deserved a little treat.

 

All three kiddos have chores after each meal. One sweeps up crumbs, one wipes down the table and counters, and one loads the dishwasher. :) Such great helpers they are!

 



 

After chores were finished, I got all three kiddos ready for church. Did I mention that Daddy was working this weekend? Getting three kiddos ready for church is work! haha. I seriously applaud all the mommies out their that get their kiddos ready solo everyday! You are superwomen. Anyway, after I got them ready, it was momma's time to get ready. When mommy gets alone time, we all get alone time! They love enjoying their toys to theirselves every once in a while! Little man always goes for the Legos!

 

 

 

 

We left for church a little early and made a surprise stop to the park. They loved it!

 

 

 

Then off to church we went! The kids' are learning about hope this month. This is a great topic for them. Oh, and yes they made a little donkey for Palm Sunday!

 

 

 

We went home and enjoyed some yummy quesadillas, apples, and carrots for lunch. It never fails that my little peanut takes an hour to eat. I try to remain patient and sit with her with a smile, because I know there was a time that she was not able to enjoy food like she does now.

 

 



After lunch, we did some chores throughout the house and finished some homework. I have learned that kiddos are never too young to help around the house!

 

 

Then we snuggled up on the couch and watched one of our favorite princesses, Tiana. In other words, momma needed a break. Please know that we are not fans of screen time, but we do let them watch a Disney movie every now and then. :)



 



After the movie, the girlies colored some pictures while little man played in his sand table. Momma made some dinner. We had one of my favorites, roasted red pepper soup with homemade tortilla strips and fresh avocado!

 

 

 

I slacked on the picture taking after dinner. The kids read some books, played with toys, and got ready for bed. Little man was having a rough night. After an hour of trying everything to calm him down, these two songs did the trick! I am thankful that praises to the Lord calm his soul.

 

                                     

from youtube.com





 

from youtube.com

 



 

I ended my night with some of God's word and then headed to bed. 

 

 

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When a Child Resists Love

I am sitting outside my child's door holding it for dear life, as my child screams, "I hate you," and I hear loud thuds as items are thrown around the room. As I am sitting there, I absorb the last few minutes as my heart races and my eyes begin to fill with tears. Carrying my child into a room, sitting them down, and running out to shut the door is one of the hardest things I do as a mom. I relive it over and over and over as I sit outside the door listening to my child's screams, wishing there was another option. Unfortunately, when a child has an attachment disorder, comfort is almost always rejected and in our case, met with physical acts of violence.

The physical violence, screaming, and destruction is hard, but the hardest part is not being able to go to the rescue. As moms, we dream of walking alongside our children and making everything feel better. Then, there comes that day that you try everything and your child continues to suffer. Those are the hard days. Living with a child with an attachment disorder means that some weeks are filled with days like this.

As I watched my child suffer through fear and rage for months, I reached the point of burn out and I did not know if I had anything else to give. I begged everyone that was involved in our child's case to help me find something to help my child and no one had a solution. That's when it became really hard.

Then, I decided to go to the only one that has the true answer for my child's life.  I prayed hard and long for hours for my little one. I cried as I realized that I failed to focus on the One with answers and instead looked everywhere else. I knew God was the answer and I knew He could do miracles in my family. However, for some reason I doubted and focused more on my fear than God's protection in our lives. I then read through verses in Matthew and was reminded that Jesus went through more rejection that I ever will and He still chose to love and forgive. He never gives up hope. He calls us to do the same. I remember thinking, attachment disorders have nothing on our God. He will help my baby overcome!  I knew for the first time in months without a shadow of a doubt that my little one would heal and our family would witness a miracle in their little life.

From that day, I have continued to pray and seek God for strength and guidance and from that day I have seen amazing strides in my little one's life. My child comes to me with hurts and cries in my arms. Oh, how I longed to be my child's source of comfort and what a blessing it is to hold them in my arms. Yes, you read that right. The child who has  an "inability to trust," cries in my arms instead of screaming, "I hate you." What an amazing act of trust out of a child that has been labeled without the ability. God's allowing my child to overcome their label and I feel blessed beyond measure to witness it before my own eyes.

Living with constant rejection is hard, but God calls us to continue to love despite rejection. Children with attachment disorders need love despite their many efforts to prove otherwise. With God, they CAN trust, they CAN make positive choices, and they CAN have empathy for others. We just have to have faith.


*Please do not ask which child's story this is. Help us maintain privacy while helping others see that kids in foster care are not without hope of healing.

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