Monday, May 16, 2016

Adoption is Bittersweet

Many people see adoption posts, read adoption blogs, and watch adoption videos and only see the joy. There is an overwhelming sense of joy, but there is also an overwhelming sense of loss. Many people do not understand why we have not filed yet and looked puzzled when we explain that the kids are not ready. My kids hearts are shattered by abandonment and loss. In our children's eyes when they are adopted, they are turning their back on their birth mom and replacing her with me. The weight is so heavy it's hard to explain the impact it has on our children.

The women who rocked them to sleep (even if it was only one time), taught them their first word, sang lullabies, washed their little toes, and made them food to fill their bellies no longer has a part in their lives and likely never will in the way a mother does. My children see adoption as giving up on the chance to ever live with and be cared for by their mama again. Even though, their mother did a lot of things that we cannot wrap our heads around, she's still their mama. She created them, gave them life, and took care of them the best way she knew how. They will forever wish for her embrace and love. They will forever miss her voice, her smile, and her arms wrapped around them.

Then somewhere in this picture of loss, a new family is created, our family. There are days my children feel warmth in my embrace, melt to my lullabies, and follow me around like little ducklings. Oh, how I feel their love for me in their heart and melt into a little puddle of mush, but deep down I know I will never be their only mother or be able to completely fill the deep hole in their heart. This for me is heartbreaking. I want my children's heart to be leaping for joy in every aspect, but due to their past their is a lingering ache. An ache that cannot be filled by anyone, but their heavenly father.

I pray each day that my children will reach a place of peace that will only be explained by the power of the holy spirit within them. I am already starting to slowly see my children transition to this place and I cannot wait to see the work of God in their lives in the coming days, months, and years.

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