Monday, October 5, 2015

Which Attachment Style Describes You?

My husband and I have been taking TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention) parenting classes. It is strongly based on the work of Karyn Purvis. One portion of the class is strongly based on attachment styles. My husband and I found it very beneficial to look inward to find out what attachment style we currently hold and how that attachment style may affect our children as we parent. Our goal, of course, is for each of our children to hold a secure attachment style. However, if we are not secure ourselves, it will be impossible to parent our children in a way to guide them to secure attachment. I, for example, have found that my attachment style tends to be a little bit avoidant. In times of stress, I like to be alone and away from the cause. This is not good when my children's fits or bad choices are the cause of my stress. I am now working hard at changing in order to be fully present for my children in times of stress. If I had not taken the time to study the types of attachment and then look inward, I would have never had the opportunity to better myself as a mom in this way. Now that I have gone through this process (and am going through it still), I cannot keep this information to myself. So, here we go....


There are four basic attachment styles-secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.

  • The secure attachment style is characteristic of a child who looks towards their caregiver in times of stress, uncertainty, fear, sadness etc. As an infant this child most likely cried and was picked up over and over and over. This child has learned that their parent is there for them in every situation.
from youtube.com mother, baby strange situation

  • The avoidant attachment style is shown when a child does not seek their parents comfort in times of stress. This child may seem "calm as a cucumber" when in a stressful situation. Although, this may seem good on the outside, the child is holding all of their stress in on the inside. This may be referred to as psuedo-dependent.
from youtube.com, mother-baby strange situation
  • The ambivalent attachment style is characterized by a child that may go to their parent in times of stress, but will not be calmed by their parent's embrace. The care this child received was most likely inconsistent varying from sensitive to neglectful.

  • The disorganized attachment style is confusing. The child displays characteristics from each category and then also displays characteristics that do not match any category. This child may ask for a hug and then throw a tantrum when an adult becomes closer with their arms outstretched. Sadly, the child's caregiver was most likely the child's source of fear. Therefore, the person the child is supposed to seek in times of stress is causing the stress. This is seen in abusive situations.
You may wonder how these types of attachment affect a person in the long run. There are several descriptions of each attachment style as follows:

  • Secure- "positive view of self, others, and relationships." (Siegal)
  • Avoidant- may be viewed as a loner. Response to stress is isolation. At times, relationships may become unimportant. 
  • Ambivalent- anxious, self-critical, insecure, clingy, overly-dependent
  • Disorganized-fearful, desire relationships until things become serious, no clear connection to others. Past drives the future.
As you may have noticed, each style is strongly based on how the child was/is raised. It is almost always true that a child will have the same attachment style as their parent. However, a child is not "stuck" in one attachment style. With hard work a child can transition from a insecure attachment style (avoidant, ambivalent, disorganized) to a secure attachment style. In order to help a child move towards secure attachment it is important to realize where they are currently and more importantly what type of attachment style you currently have.

This gives me as an adoptive parent hope. I was not there when my children were babies, even toddlers to ensure that the best care possible was provided. The damage was already done when they entered my front door. However, their past does not have to determine their future, because their brains can still create new connections. This is true for a person of any age. What a huge blessing God has given us to overcome our past and move forward into our future with a "positive view of self, others, and relationships."

If you would like to know more about TBRI or attachment, consider taking an Empowered to Connect Class. You can find an Empowered to Connect trainer in your area by going to http://empoweredtoconnect.org/training/ and clicking on Find an ETC Trainer Near You



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6 comments:

  1. What great information! Thank you so much for sharing. Unfortunately the ECTC trainers, according to the map, are no where in my state. Still maybe one day I could travel... Still working towards getting a license to foster.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. https://store.showhope.org/shop/resources/conference

      You can click this link to purchase ETC resources. The attachment DVD, the Whole Brain Child, and the Connected Child are my favorites. All resources will be half price in April for the simulcast. There may be a simulcast in your area. It is basically a crash course in TBRI parenting. The dates are April 10th and 11th I believe. This would definitely be something to travel for if you can find a showing near you. Just click conferences on the ETC website for more info. The simulcast showing sites are not there yet, but keep checking! :)

      Delete
  2. very good to know, it will help me with the newest addition to the family

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment! I know it was eye opening for us and caused us to look inward much more often.

      Delete
  3. Hi! Where did you get all this great info on attachment styles? I didn't see links within the definitions. I'd love to know more!

    ReplyDelete
  4. https://store.showhope.org/shop/resources/conference
    As stated above the information is based on Dr. Siegal and Dr. Purvis' work. Resources regarding attachment are listed below.


    You can click this link to purchase ETC resources. The attachment DVD, the Whole Brain Child, and the Connected Child are my favorites. All resources will be half price in April for the simulcast. There may be a simulcast in your area. It is basically a crash course in TBRI parenting. The dates are April 10th and 11th I believe. This would definitely be something to travel for if you can find a showing near you. Just click conferences on the ETC website for more info. The simulcast showing sites are not there yet, but keep checking! :)

    If you need further info, let me know!

    ReplyDelete

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