I am sitting outside my child's door holding it for dear life, as my child screams, "I hate you," and I hear loud thuds as items are thrown around the room. As I am sitting there, I absorb the last few minutes as my heart races and my eyes begin to fill with tears. Carrying my child into a room, sitting them down, and running out to shut the door is one of the hardest things I do as a mom. I relive it over and over and over as I sit outside the door listening to my child's screams, wishing there was another option. Unfortunately, when a child has an attachment disorder, comfort is almost always rejected and in our case, met with physical acts of violence.
The physical violence, screaming, and destruction is hard, but the hardest part is not being able to go to the rescue. As moms, we dream of walking alongside our children and making everything feel better. Then, there comes that day that you try everything and your child continues to suffer. Those are the hard days. Living with a child with an attachment disorder means that some weeks are filled with days like this.
As I watched my child suffer through fear and rage for months, I reached the point of burn out and I did not know if I had anything else to give. I begged everyone that was involved in our child's case to help me find something to help my child and no one had a solution. That's when it became really hard.
Then, I decided to go to the only one that has the true answer for my child's life. I prayed hard and long for hours for my little one. I cried as I realized that I failed to focus on the One with answers and instead looked everywhere else. I knew God was the answer and I knew He could do miracles in my family. However, for some reason I doubted and focused more on my fear than God's protection in our lives. I then read through verses in Matthew and was reminded that Jesus went through more rejection that I ever will and He still chose to love and forgive. He never gives up hope. He calls us to do the same. I remember thinking, attachment disorders have nothing on our God. He will help my baby overcome! I knew for the first time in months without a shadow of a doubt that my little one would heal and our family would witness a miracle in their little life.
From that day, I have continued to pray and seek God for strength and guidance and from that day I have seen amazing strides in my little one's life. My child comes to me with hurts and cries in my arms. Oh, how I longed to be my child's source of comfort and what a blessing it is to hold them in my arms. Yes, you read that right. The child who has an "inability to trust," cries in my arms instead of screaming, "I hate you." What an amazing act of trust out of a child that has been labeled without the ability. God's allowing my child to overcome their label and I feel blessed beyond measure to witness it before my own eyes.
Living with constant rejection is hard, but God calls us to continue to love despite rejection. Children with attachment disorders need love despite their many efforts to prove otherwise. With God, they CAN trust, they CAN make positive choices, and they CAN have empathy for others. We just have to have faith.
*Please do not ask which child's story this is. Help us maintain privacy while helping others see that kids in foster care are not without hope of healing.
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